Thanksgiving this year finds us in Florida. It was a week of firsts. This was the first time Daniel had ever flown on a plane. He did amazing. It was also Ben’s first time at the beach. Despite having ear infections in both ears when we got here, he took to the beach like a local.
Today we took off with my brother-in-law to go fishing. As I was standing on the pier with Super D watching the other kids run up and down the beach, I was suddenly struck with a great wave of sadness. It came on quickly and without mercy. At first I told my wife I was just missing Colorado. Then suddenly the real reason hit me.
I was mourning the loss of Daniel’s ability to play like the other kids.
It took me a bit to figure it out, but there it was. Daniel should be down there running and playing with his cousins. But he wasn’t and he couldn’t safely be like the other kids. The grief in that moment was devastating.
Grief is a funny thing. There are times when it comes out of nowhere an can quickly ruin a fun event. Seeing other kids play is often a trigger for me. I am so thankful for every day with Daniel, but that does not stop the occasion time of sadness over what will never be.
I have read things where authors say they pushed through the grief or got over it and never looked back. I recently heard someone tell how they worked through all the stages of grief in an hour and have just pushed on.
I don’t think these people are truly handling their grief over the loss of the hopes and dreams they have for their child. What people do not want to admit is the mourning and grief does not end when we get our diagnosis. Every milestone and event is a reminder of the dreams and hopes we had for our children, many of which will never be. For me, kindergarten was very difficult. I know the transition to middle and high school will be tough too. Watching the other boys get married will likely be devastating.
We need to drop this act. Life with Super D, and every other super hero child, is difficult. We, as parents, must be able to admit how had it is at times and be free to mourn the lost hopes, dreams and milestones. Stuffing the grief does not help anyone. Neither does spreading the idea that it is a one and done thing.
So, parents, drop the everything is OK act. Mourn those milestones and praise God you have milestones to mourn. Stop making other parents feel like something is wrong with them because they acknowledge these times of grief. And to those who are not blessed with their own super hero, give us the freedom to mourn these moments, without judgement or condemnation.
Even Jesus mourned over the loss of Lazarus just moments before raising him from the dead. If the Messiah can mourn, why can’t we?
Life With Super D! 